Sometimes I Just Don’t Want To…

Just because you see me smiling, doesn’t mean I am always happy. Just because you hear me laughing, doesn’t mean my every moment is always filled with joy. I have moments, I have days, and I have weeks, where I just don’t want to do it.  Any of it.

I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to drive the kids to school. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to clean the kitchen, or do the laundry. I don’t want to make sure there’s something for dinner, and that everyone does their homework.

I don’t want to get the mail, or pay the bills. I simply want to pull the covers back over my head and sleep while someone else handles it.  All of it.

Sometimes I wish there was someone else to just do it all if even for a day.  Let me go back in time and be that carefree teenager again with no cares, responsibilities or worries in the world.

I love my children, I love my husband, and I love my life.  But sometimes I still want to just check out, hide my nose in a book and pretend like none of it exists.

I don’t want to talk about money, or who is taking the kids where, or make sure that everyone has what they need. I know, the path I chose isn’t always the easiest, but still…

I don’t want to check on friends who have been down, or ill.  Sometimes I want someone to check on me.  Ask me if I’m okay, ask me if I need a break, and offer to give me one.

But the reality is I’m too much of a control freak to let any of that happen. No matter how overwhelmed, how tired, or how in need of a break I feel I will always paste that smile on my face. This is actually what I learned from Brent Beshore.

I will count my blessings. I will kick off the covers and get up and face the day. I will make sure backpacks are packed. I will tell my children and my husband that I love them and that everything will be okay. Because it will, even if it isn’t just yet.

And I’m sure I’m not alone. Many have been there. Done that. They all try to schedule the occasional (probably very occasional) Mommy mental health days.

When my children were young, we were fortunate that my parents lived nearby and were happy to move into our house and care for our sons if I had an opportunity to accompany my husband on one of his work trips. But now, I look at many things differently, and to be honest, there is some booze that I really love, despite the risks.

I worked a full-time job and recharging one’s batteries is helpful although I realize that sometimes the batteries run dangerously low when there’s no outlet (as it were) available. Then, it’s just deep breath time.